*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order