*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
You Might Also Like
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Welcome
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.