*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
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If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I’m confused about plants
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
*skinny dips into black hole
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin