Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Somewhere in an alternate universe
i love modern commerce
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean