Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
what are they serving at kfc then???
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.