Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
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Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Dishonest mechanic?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.