Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
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5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.