[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
You Might Also Like
I think this cat is broken
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”