Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you