sensitive skin
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Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?