Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Important reminders
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?