Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.