Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
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I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
never forget
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
How your email finds me
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
my one true gender
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?