Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
You Might Also Like
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.