Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids