SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.