SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
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My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
sir, my pâté if you please
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.