serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
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At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
my mom making me talk to relatives
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?