@natedog2049

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

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@jordan_stratton

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

@LurkAtHomeMom

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

@sofarrsogud

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

@deloisivete

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

@samlymatters

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

@pleatedjeans

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

@stevefrigley

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

@ChristineVinard

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

@copymama

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.