Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

You Might Also Like


COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.


90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.


Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.


Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try


MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.


Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home


Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.


“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s


My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.