Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
We like the way Dwight thinks