Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
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*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.