serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
the rocks need my help
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.