Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.