*serious situation*
My brain:
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Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*