Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
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18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.