Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me recordaron éste meme
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.