@Shariv67

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

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@TheTweetOfGod

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

@noog

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

@Opiyow

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

@ElKnuckelhombre

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

@adult_mom

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

@YesThatAmy

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

@capricecrane

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

@mommajessiec

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

@david8hughes

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not