Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.


It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.


Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.


I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.


I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.


If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.


If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.


My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.


I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.


Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not