Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder