Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
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Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Very good! 👍😂
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Best spot.. 😅
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
It’s an epidemic…
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?