Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Feel. He’s so soft.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
LOL!
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?