Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces