Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I’m confused about plants
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
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