Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.