Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
You Might Also Like
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.