Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.