Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no