Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.