Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
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When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.