Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”