Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
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Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent