[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
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Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
What about a To-Don’t List?
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.