“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[eulogy]
line?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.