serving silly goose instead of turkey
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hi why am I like this
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Pigeon open mic night.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous