Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Things will get butter, keep churning
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.