Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
S O O N
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood