@joerogan

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

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@PaperWash

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

@scootertheworst

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

@OfHella

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

@Reverend_Scott

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

@Fickle_Filly

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

@karencheee

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

@haze103

A couple who are silly together stay together.

@jferg1616

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.