*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
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I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Passwords are more important than ever.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?