[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
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Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I need a headline like this
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.