@UncleDuke1969

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

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@Try2StopME

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

@aparnapkin

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

@JermHimselfish

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

@idontuseapick

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

@AnOrangeSNES

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

@geauxbraves

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

@DartsBofficial

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

@alexapelagio

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

@adrianmyreality

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

@ojedge

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]