Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid