Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
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People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
😅😅😅
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Just had my nails done!
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
is this a warning or an offer?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser