Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
it must be school picture day
The first matador
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?