SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
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saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf