[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
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Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Worth remembering.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
You had me at “define legal”.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib