Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
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I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.